After a long, somewhat rough semester and a week-long stint being (not-so) productive at the library (see picture) it is FINALLY Christmas break. I've received all of my grades and am pretty excited about how they turned out.

Child Development: B+
Honors Philosophy: A-
Honors Intro to Lit: A
Understandings of God: B
Genres: Fiction: B+

I'm really looking forward to next semester's classes; they should be more challenging but a lot of fun as well.

Other than the brain-numbing essays that led to the end of the semester, the last few weeks were a lot of fun. I may not have mentioned this before but I will be adding another radio show to my agenda next semester (Mondays 1-2pm). I will be working as an assistant to Garret Sullivan during his show. Definitely tune in, it will be a lot of fun! I also was accepted as a substitute for the Little Brother Little Sister program and will have a 5th grade little sister for the entire semester--I'm really looking forward to that.

And as for break, it has been wonderful so far! I've started back up at the Marriott to make some quick cash and I've spent a lot of time with the family. Justin is visiting at the moment (today--Christmas eve--is our 1-year of dating anniversary). We went out for an incredible dinner at Walter's in the Old Port and then hung out with my dad for a while before heading to bed.

Christmas is tomorrow... I'm really looking forward to it. I love the holidays at home :)

So I've decided on studying abroad during the Fall semester next year. I'm going to Sydney, Australia from Mid-July until December 5th... I'm ridiculously excited and started the application process yesterday. The first 10 days of the semester will be spent in FIJI and then mid-semester there is a 5-day trip to the Great Barrier Reef! It sounds absolutely incredible. Our Fall is their Spring so I'll be there at the tail-end of their Winter and the beginning of their Summer. Hello 85degrees in December! I'm only thinking about the positives and pushing the negatives out of my mind for the moment.

I'm also putting off writing a 5-7 page essay for my Genres:Fiction class about Society's gender expectations and the pressures that are put on men and women to fulfill the stereotype. It is interesting but I can't seem to focus enough to do it. I've had the equivalent of about 3 cups of coffee today. Shaking. If I can get 3 pages of this essay done today I will be content. I also have a MID-TERM on Tuesday in my Philosophy class. The last 2 weeks of classes this semester are going to be rough. I have three 5-7 page essays due and a 45-minute education presentation to do, among other typical assignments. I don't have any finals though! So nice!

Thanksgiving Break starts Tuesday! I can't wait to go home! My dad is here today, too, and is bringing me out for dinner and grocery shopping. I miss him a lot, can't wait to see him.

Justin came up this week which was really nice. I miss him when he's not around and love it when he is here.

The LEAP retreat was absolutely amazing. The high from it lasted for days and though its worn off I still appreciate everything about it. I'm going to see a band tonight that is led by one of my professor's sons. Should be interesting. I'm also going to a LEAP party tomorrow night. Busy Busy.

I can't wait to have time to breathe next week.

I'm all registered for classes as of this morning. My schedule for next semester looks something like this:

Monday:
10:30-11:20- British Literature II (Honors)
5:00-6:40- Intro to American Studies (focus on the 60's) Lecture

Tuesday:
10-11:40- Honors English Seminar on Glamour
1:00-2:15- Buddhist Religious Thought
2:30-4:10- Teaching Writing (for the writing center on campus)

Wednesday:
10:30-11:20- British Literature II (Honors)
12:00-12:50- Intro to American Studies (focus on the 60's) Discussion

Thursday:
10-11:40- Honors English Seminar in Glamour
1:00-2:15- Buddhist Religious Thought
2:30-4:10- Teaching Writing

Friday:
10:30-11:20- British Literature II (Honors)

I'm pretty excited about how it turned out. I didn't get into Buddhism originally but I'm in it now! :) Also, I switched into a 400-level Honors seminar about the evolution of Glamour in the 1920's media and literature.

My Understandings of God class has gotten to be really interesting lately. We began our half-semester long study of Eastern Religions and are focusing on Buddhism now. We've been practicing meditation every class (for about a half hour each time) and have been speaking about how Buddhists believe one can obtain and more relaxed and centered life. It really interests me and I've found myself waking up to say "today will be a wonderful day" more often than not. Our assignment for next week is to go to a yoga studio and take a class and then be able to discuss it. I'm definitely in my element :)

I'm going on a retreat called LEAP this weekend too... I'm leaving at 3:30 this afternoon and returning Sunday evening. I've heard amazing things about the retreat from nearly everyone that has been on it and Justin keeps telling me that I'll get a lot out of it. The retreat is famous for being one big secret kept by everyone who has been on it. I'm not allowed to bring a cell phone or laptop or homework or anything of the sort. I can't wait.

I officially dropped my Education major a few weeks ago. I'm still an English major now but I will be picking up a minor eventually as well. I was pretty set on my minor being Religious Studies but if I might still pick up Sociology. I was also accepted into the Teaching Writing course (I had to take a qualifying quiz--I was told I received the highest score!) and after taking the course I will be a writing coach in the on-campus Writing Center. It's great to know that I have something like this going for me.

I had the most realistic and horrifying dream last night. I was half-awake and I believe that I was stuck in a state of sleep paralysis but had a dream that there was someone in the room with me (other than my sleeping roommate on the bunk above). I was, quite unfortunately, asleep facing the wall and couldn't turn around to prove my mind wrong. The person in the room was, of course, out to get me and I couldn't do anything about it. I was sweating and trying to yell to Julia that I was really scared and I only managed to whisper "I can't sleep"... She whispered "keep trying!" back to me and I couldn't utter anything more. I felt someone grabbing at my leg and my arm and I still couldn't move... I'm quite sure I had a panic attack right there in bed. Every once in a while I would calm down for a minute hoping that it would allow my muscles to move again, but before I could move I would panic. After what felt like hours of this dancing between this sleeping and waking nightmare I could finally move again. Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep for the rest of the night.

It seems only proper to have had this dream on the weekend of Halloween.

Justin came up and we had a wonderful time. Every time I see him I almost burst inside. He means more and more to me every day that we are together (or apart) and I can't say I've ever felt like this about anyone.

I'm really homesick for anywhere but here. Last night was very unsettling.

While taking a spontaneous bus ride to the Boston area this past Saturday I found myself in a place that I did not quite enjoy. Numbness had taken over my entire body and mind and I was not as truly happy as I know I should be in my life. With this being said, I found myself staring out the window in a state completely opposite of what I would call blissful. I was surrounded by 40 or so people of whom I’d never met before; the woman in front of me was snoring relentlessly and the man across the aisle was one of about 25 with giant orange Ray Ban sunglasses who sat hugging his skateboard and talking with his “bro” over the phone. I began to think about my life and what was truly important to me. I didn’t notice at first but realized after just a few minutes that I had been intently watching the yellow road line that restricted drivers from crossing over the edge. This line flowed and flowed and never stopped. Sometimes, but not too often, there would be a small interruption in this unbreakable yellow line; a dead animal or a crevice in the face of the highway would lead to a momentary break but the line would always find itself and regain its fullness.

While gazing and mindlessly thinking I realized that this line is a metaphor for life. I would even go so far as to say that I understood it as a symbol. Life goes on and on, sometimes with ease, but often times the feeling of gliding through life is interrupted by hard times and moments of loss. I stared at this line for upwards of fifteen minutes before tearing my gaze away; I couldn’t stop. My faith was in that line—I cheered it on as if I were a spectator at a sports game. The people, the bus, and the Vermont scenery around me melted away and for just a blinding moment the only thing that existed was that line within me. It wasn’t a line of restriction as I had previously believed it to be, it was a line of possibility. This stroke of yellow paint keeps vehicles and their riders safe—it not only represents the line of life, but it attempts to nurture life in itself. I did not want the moment of realization to end, but as all things do, it did as well.

I believe that this line, to me, was a symbol for the process of human existence and what it can be for any person that opens their mind to its possibilities.

From birth to death it's just like this.

I wrote my Credo for a class of mine, Understandings of God. Our assignment was to speak about what we believed to be the most important aspect in our lives--the one that keeps us living and breathing and experiencing life altogether. It was really tough to write this essay but instead of a grade I got a "This Rocks!" on the paper... more rewarding I believe. Anyways... here it is:

As of yet I have never had a significant eating disorder, I’ve never attempted suicide, and I’ve never been sexually violated. Putting aside these intense and life-altering events I have truly suffered hard times, just as each person living on this earth has, but I feel that during my life the most frightening and nearly sickening infliction that I have suffered is apathy. When apathy is found in a character it eats away at all opportunities for living. I’ve witnessed myself and many others simply floating through life, not taking time to look around and see, hear, smell, touch, and taste the world around. Fortunately, apathy is something that can be torn away if one’s will allows. I have come to the realization that my personal, most important principal for experiencing life is to break free of this apathy and never settle with solely surviving; I want to thrive and to truly BE.

This fact brings me to my main concern: how do I live out this principle in the way that I have described? This is a question that I’ve pondered throughout my life but rarely in such a way as in the last week leading up to writing this Credo. I found myself putting off the assignment waiting for inspiration, and ironically found said inspiration in the realization that I can’t sit around and wait for the words to come. In order to live my life in the most rewarding and enriching way possible I must be consciously aware of what is going on in my head in my environment and rid myself of all aforementioned apathy and fear by challenging my intellect and will to be.

For me, the challenges that pull me out of this cave of safety lie in helping others and venturing into places that are unknown to me. This could be something as simple as volunteering with MOVE to play volleyball with inmates, or, what I aspire to do later, join the Peace Corp. These things terrify me but give me an almost out-of-body high when I’ve realized the impact that they have had on my soul and hopefully others’ as well. It inspires me to open my eyes more and not only see but also understand the wider world around me. I believe that in life you need to create your own inspiration in order to live fully, and this is my means of doing so.

Waiting for inspiration is much like waiting for the good to come without actually seeking it out and trying to make the best of every situation. I truly believe that to experience life and be truly and completely alive, one must crawl out of their comfortably sheltered caves and open their eyes and minds to what is around—to see the beauty in everything while working to also find a positive light in any negative situation.

The first time this realization hit me wasn’t a few days ago while dreading this assignment, and it hasn’t only hit me once before that either; it often arises in my mind both randomly and at very significant periods of time. It is in these moments that I am able to feel in my heart and my soul that I am on this earth and living. It is also in these moments that I finally realize that I do, in fact, let myself go and become completely blank and ignore my senses. To me this recognition is both extremely depressing and deliciously enlightening: an opportunity for change is at hand.

One particularly hard moment of my life that reflects this feeling was directly following the death of an ex-boyfriend and good friend. Sitting at his funeral surrounded by friends I realized the same thing that most do after the death of a loved one—life is unpredictable and you really never know when your last day will come or what your last opportunity will be. This friend, Freddy, was enjoying himself at the local river and was killed by a drunk driver on his way home at 4 o’clock in the afternoon. It was impossible to grasp and left me feeling as though I was not invincible. This feeling changed me—we as humans are not invincible and living apathetically leads us to forget that we exist and are able to truly grab at everything around us anytime we wish.

In my life these moments of potentially negative realizations lead to ones of heightened ecstasy. These moments are simple and come by surprise but the effect is lasting. Driving in a car with two friends, windows down, wind blowing in our faces, singing an old 90’s song after a day at the beach was the happiest moment of my summer. This was not a moment that had to be sought, but one that caught me by pleasant surprise and made me realize the same thing as after Freddy’s funeral. This connection showed me that again, no matter what happens, we have to cherish this time we have been given and do what makes us happy in any moment that we are able.

As we spoke about in class, the Buddha believed that we as a human race were sleepwalking and to be alive we must wake up. I suppose that this is the point that I am trying to live out in my existence—the experience of being awake and not sleeping. In another class of mine I am reading the novel The Awakening by Kate Chopin. Towards the end of the book, the main character Edna states that “The years that are gone seem like dreams—if one might go on sleeping and dreaming but to wake up and find—oh! Well! Perhaps it is better to wake up after all, even to suffer, rather than to remain a dupe to illusions all one’s life.” I believe that it is vital to wake up from a life of sleepwalking (and dreaming for that matter) and to be genuinely reborn into the world of consciousness (while making dreams a reality).

This personal ideal, as I mentioned, is not one that comes from religion or from a particular time of drastic change in my life. I do not consider myself to be a religious person but when it comes to spirituality I believe that self-reflection and meditation are important aspects that enable me to find balance in my life. I feel as though I’m still searching for what I truly believe in terms of religion and haven’t been utterly successful in the endeavor. Either way, I know that I find solitude in living and breathing in a world full of opportunity surrounded by passion and people to share my life with. I hope that my future will bring me more challenges to overcome and goals to reach for and that I can continually strive towards living fully in the moment while planning for the future in the most sane and beneficial way possible.

All in all, I’ve realized throughout my years by reflecting, thinking, and writing, that living a life free of apathy is my personal goal and the experience that I seek to live out for my entire being. My primary principle is to exist with my entire being and not simply glide through life by ignore what is right in front of my eyes. Each day is a new day, one of learning and one of making mistakes and I look forward to everything that comes with it; the challenges and the moments of perfection make life the beautiful thing that it is.

Justin and I have been together for 9 months. It's been wonderful and unpredictable and wild and comfortable and I'm so lucky to have someone like him in my life. It's strange how quickly times goes by. I couldn't ask for anything better.

I am so in love.

I've recently set a goal for myself to do one new thing every week... (by recently I mean that as I began writing this post I decided) With that being said, this week's new endeavor happened to be Bikram Yoga. This form of yoga is much different than any yoga I'd done previously and essentially entailed intense stretching done in a 100 degree room. First off, Robyn and I parked in the back of this little brick building that could not have been found without directions. The studio itself was in a colorful concrete room with only 3 small windows that were never opened. The woman at the front desk was also the woman running the class and took it upon herself to know everyone's names prior to beginning. Upon entering the room, I found myself sandwiched between two older men resembling skeletons in nothing but small speedo-esque shorts--nothing but the near-nudity was particularly irregular for any typical yoga class. This room, again, was set to 100 degrees and the moment I stepped inside I began to sweat profusely. The class itself was great... it got really tough at times as yoga often does but was not too bad at all. After leaving, Robyn and I were drenched but felt great. I was sore almost immediately after leaving the studio, but felt 10lbs lighter and happy as could be. Even this morning I feel better than and I definitely want to do Bikram Yoga again. I'm not sure what my new thing for next week will be but whatever it is I have faith that It'll be just as as good as this week's.

On another note, I haven't felt as inclined to write as much lately. I wouldn't say that my schoolwork is getting the better of me, but it is definitely taking over a huge chunk of time that was previously free for the taking. With that being said, I'm really enjoying my classes still, though my Tuesdays and Thursdays are beginning to drag on endlessly. I'm really content with settling into my English major, as these classes are my favorites and most interesting in my week. I'm pretty set on dropping Education as well, though I don't know what I'd pick up for a minor to take its place. I realize that I don't have to pick up a minor, but I would definitely really like to.

I need to keep in touch with friends and family more than I have been this semester. I haven't contacted any aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. as of yet and I'm kind of disappointed in myself. I haven't spoken to my parents very much, either, and I've yet to talk to Peter since getting to school. I'll change that! I can't wait to go home for a weekend and just see everyone and catch up a little.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a stranger in my own skin. Like the actions and thoughts that I produce aren't truly mine, but belong to something that has taken over my entire being. It's kind of depressing and I sometimes struggle to regain control, only to find that it will be taken away again soon enough. I find that I'm most comfortable in my own skin when I'm surrounded by people to talk to and laugh with and when I'm with Justin just snuggling and being completely surrounded by him and while I'm engulfed in a book or while driving alone for a long period of time listening to music at unnatural volumes. When I say this I'm not completely unhappy by any means, I just feel alienated from myself and what I do and see and think.

I also feel like I've got a cloud wrapped around my brain at times. Like I can't concentrate or think about anything but the simplest of ideas. I'm not sure if I should blame this on being burnt out or what, but I wish that it could be avoided. I want more than anything to feel as though I'm doing something of significant meaning in my life but I've yet to feel that way as of late.

My life is no utter failure but something needs to happen soon. I did have an opportunity to see, meet, and play 4-square with Rustic Overtones over the weekend. I'm really not in a bad mood.

Be Here Now

I guess it is time for an update! I've had a week of classes up to this point and I'm so far enjoying every class that I'm in.

Intro to Literary Studies (honors) - I have a professor named Christina Root. She used to head the English department here and she is the sweetest woman alive. We're reading Midsummer Night's Dream and there are only 7 of us in the class (there were 4 at the beginning). We had our first class at the cafe on an outdoor table.

Genres: Fiction- My professor, Carey Kaplan, is a crazy feminist lesbian and is absolutely hilarious. She gives vocab words once a week and this week included hypermammiferous (having large breasts) and ithyphallic (having an erection). We're reading The Awakening and everyone in the class is really interesting.

Philosophy of Society (honors)- I have this class at 10am on Tuesdays and Thursdays: my earliest class. I have it with 2 of my best friends and the class is set up around one big seminar table. Our professor has a thick accent, a mix between French and Russian, and is really passionate about philosophy. We're reading Plato's Republic and she makes it much easier to understand. Everyone is really passionate and it is fun to have discussions class-wide.

Child Development- My one and only education class. I'm actually switching from elementary ed. to secondary next semester so this class isn't technically one I need to take. No worries though, it is really interesting and our professor is great. Her name is Laima Ruoff and she knows her shit.

Understandings of God- I don't know what to say about this class. It runs in true Vermont fashion... My professor came in 5 minutes late wearing jeans on Tuesday and wrote "How do I live?" on the board. We're doing units on Buddhism and Hinduism later on. My first assignment is to write a 3 page paper on what I feel I'm living my life for. This guy worked under Mother Teresa and the Dali Lama. Insanity. I leave feeling like I need to analyze my life. It is actually pretty cool.

Living with Julia has been great too. We bunked our beds and arranged our room and I love love love it. Justin is visiting this weekend too. It's been really emotional and wonderful and I can't wait until he's back for good. I have a lot more to say but my brain is fogged over. Today is the first day is has truly rained here since I moved down. I'm so happy to be back.

It is amazing being back on campus! I moved in with Julia and we rearranged our room and unpacked everything by 6ish. It is now 10:52 and we're in our jammies hanging out. I love love love love it here. My room is mad small but I can't complain at all. I am just ecstatic and can't wait for more festivities tomorrow! Also, my 19 books that I needed to buy for classes were $400. So ridiculous!

What do you go home to?

I don't really know how to rate this summer in comparison to past ones. I worked 40-50 hours a week, while taking summer classes, while working out 5 times a week. It was a wildly busy few months but I suppose it was fun nonetheless. I lost nearly 20 lbs and was able to see friends (though not as many/often as I had hoped). I feel that I opened up a lot more to certain people and will go back to school with this more outgoing and outspoken personality that I seem to have acquired. I move in Friday morning (the day after tomorrow!) and really can't wait. I've finished all of my packing 2 days early, which is slightly ridiculous, but I'm so eager to just leave. I've already planned quite a few things for the upcoming semester with friends, which is nice too. I'm getting a Pfit membership in Vermont because Ryan will be working there and I'll continue my workouts with him. There is a big welcome back BBQ and Party that Dan planned that I'm looking forward to as well. I'm most excited to get into my room with Julia and arrange it and plan it and such, though. This year should really be a quality one... I'm looking forward to so much.

I finally decided to settle with this Schedule for Fall:

MWF:
11:45-12:50- Intro to Literary Studies
1:00-1:5o- Genres: Fiction

TTH:
10:00-11:15- (Honors) Philosophy of Society
1:00-2:15- Child Development
2:30-3:45- Understandings of God

I have one more essay to do before I'm done with summer classes.
9 more days of Summer Rec.
17 more days until I'm moving in on campus.
I'm so antsy and itching to be back that it is driving me nuts.
:)

With tired eyes, tired minds, tired souls, we slept.

I'm strangely content. I have no idea what to do with my life and I'm no longer letting myself stress about it. I had a great weekend with Brian visiting and finally spending time with Helen, Yelena, and Tom... It had been too long. I saw Pink Floyd's The Wall for the first time. Justin is on his way back from Minnesota. 19 days until I am back at school. I need to make lists and pack and prepare. I'm growing. I'm happy.

I get so restless.

August 14- Last deadline for summer classes
August 22- Last day of Summer Rec
August 29- (hopefully) Moving in on campus
September 12- OAR concert
September 15- Needtobreathe concert
September 29- Less Than Jake concert
October 22- Donovan Frankenreiter concert
October 23- Justin's Birthday

Emotional highs and lows.
Lost in Portsmouth.
Distance.
Vermont.

Keeping English and Education. May pick up an Anthropology/Sociology minor though. Who knows.

Does this make me crazy?

I'm having some sort of academic breakthrough/mind block. Having 4 months of summer to reflect over what I'm doing with my life/college career is fatal but useful. I've gone from declaring an English major along with Elementary Education, to Secondary Education with English... Now I'm thinking of dropping Education and English completely and going for Anthropology/Sociology with a minor in Peace and Justice. The idea is insanely attractive. Switching now wouldn't be too bad just because I haven't really started taking classes for my major yet. I just want to figure it out and get classes squared away etc. etc. If I don't do that, I may stick with English and then pick up the Peace and Justice Minor as well. So so so so so many ideas.

Let your troubles roll by

I spent a wonderful weekend in Mass. with Justin and his family. It included a lot of swimming, eating, playing ping pong, and napping. We took a long exploration walk through a wildlife refuge area and saw a painted turtle and huge black snake. I hung out with his little brother, Joey, and listened to him bang around on his new drum set between ping pong games. I had a hard time leaving. I don't like being away from Justin and noticed the empty space next to me as soon as I hit 495 on the rainy 2-hour drive.

I just comprised a bucket list. I'm sure it doesn't include all of my life goals. It's a start.

-Spend at least 2 years in the Peace Corp.
-Become a College English Professor at a small, private college.
-Visit Tibet and learn more about Buddhism while there.
-Read all of Keroac's Road Novels.
-Live and teach abroad (in more places than one).
-Finally learn to play the harmonica.
-See Explosions in the Sky live.
-Own an Australian Shepard or a little Cat.
-Visit both Olympia and San Francisco (I've never seen the West Coast).
-Complete a Triathlon.
-Write and have my own series of Short Stories published.
-Make sure that everyone close to me knows how much I truly appreciate and care about them.

I saw Wall E today with rec. I sat for the entire hour and 40 something minutes with my favorite 7-year-old Kobe snuggled up on my lap. These kids become my life. They feel like family to me by week 4 and by week 8 I can't imagine a year without them. This year is much different than last but I still cherish my time with these kids, wondering if they'll remember me in 10 years. I had a dream about Nicholas, a chubby, buck-toothed 5-year-old that included a pet killer whale living in an ocean driveway, killing an emperor, and running for our lives from said emperor. I don't look at him the same anymore.

I'm visiting Justin this weekend in Massachusetts. I can't wait to have a relaxing weekend with him and his family. 39 days until I move back in at Saint Mike's. Less than a month until SMCC classes are over with. 6 more Sociology exams. 9 more online History posts. 5 more 2+ page History papers. The rain won't stop. Sea Dogs game didn't happen tonight. No Papi. No worries. If the power goes out on my research paper again I'll be out of luck. Cold Cold Cold. I want to remember my dreams more. Lose 10 more lbs. Get my hair cut shorter (maybe). Gonna call flea and get some sleep.

I hope that you can understand, this is not what I had planned.

I am completely and totally unable to focus on homework right now. I'm almost done reading On the Road. I love it. I've been listening to More Time on repeat for hours. Justin came up yesterday... We went to Salmon Falls with Helen and Josh and then had a big BBQ. We got ice cream and then came home and watched Cloverfield. I fell asleep. Justin and I listened to Red Foxes screaming in the woods and then went to bed. Had a big lovely breakfast with my family and sat around watching The Deadliest Catch until lunchtime. I had a really hard time with him leaving today and got all emotional. Now I'm doing massive amounts of homework so I have less to do later on in the week. Wednesday night I'm skipping my staff meeting to go to the Seadog's Game with my family (and possibly Caitlin.... D. Ortiz will be playing). I have a 10-15 page research paper due Friday about the affects of socioeconomic standing on maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Or something like that. I fit into an old pair of jeans that I didn't fit into last week. I want sunny weather again. I'm skeptical about a few things. 6 more months is a long time to maintain a long distance relationship and I'm starting to realize how long 6 months truly is (but I'm not giving up). I have a lot going on in my head and sometimes it scares me. I realized today that I leave for school in a month and 10 days. I can't believe how fast this awful summer is going by. I can't wait to be with everyone at school again. I was e-mailed by the head of the Honors Program today and was welcomed into the program. It is really exciting to me that I now have something to motivate me to do well academically. Hello September.

Speechless

"Look around and choose your own ground
For long you live and high you fly
And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry
And all you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be."
-Pink Floyd

Push the urge away to feel like yesterday.

It is now 1:30AM. I'm too emotional for my own good and I'm going to work on changing that because it doesn't bring anything positive for anyone around me. I'm mad at people for things that I should only be mad at myself for. It seems like I've lost one of my best friends over the course of the last few weeks. I've realized that what she's doing is almost exactly what I did to Jon last summer before I left for college. I saw myself having all of these new opportunities ahead of me and opted to leave certain constants behind. The constants ended up being people that meant a lot to me and I ignored my feelings and closed myself off from them and it is completely hypocritical of me to be mad at anyone for doing the same thing that I did. I was a jerk and my motives were completely unfair and skewed and if I could change how I was/am I would. I'm not saying that things didn't eventually work out, things always have a way of working themselves out (and I shouldn't be upset because I know this is true and I'll pull through whatever hardships are present at the moment) but I regret the way that I treated people, especially now that I realize how it feels... I got what was coming to me.

To Do:
-Take more pictures
-Work on mellowing out my emotional side
-View situations from the perspectives of everyone involved
-Stop apologizing for my feelings (they're my damn feelings)
-Use the words 'I' and 'me' half as often as I do

Glass bones and paper skin.

"When things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too."

-Dr. Seuss

I'm going to do with this journal what I've done with every journal I've kept in the past: I'm going to over-write in it at first and then leave it mostly blank later on. I'm not worried about it.

Online classes are insanely stressful. Just when I think I have an easy week (after a week that included four 2-4 page essays, three online posts, a chapter exam, and multiple reading assignments) I realize that I missed a significant assignment that was due yesterday, and have another significant one due Friday. It never ends. And this is on top of working 40+ hours a week and never having time to relax and be calm. Camp has become my lounge time, which isn't a positive thing because I'm supposed to be energized enough to plan activities and be active with the campers I work there for. This summer just isn't shaping up to be a great one at all.

After working 8 hours and spending 2 at the gym, I'm home to do a 2 page paper, a 100-word online post, and a chapter exam. Instead I'm complaining and rambling in a blogger journal. Whine Whine Whine.

I've been really down lately. Emotionally and physically. I feel like there is nothing to look forward to in the NEAR future, and the only time I'll be able to finally relax is once school starts up. There are obviously things I'm excited for, but it's hard to be excited when I also think of the negatives that come along (taking time off from work, stressing about getting all of my homework done, etc.).

I really miss Justin lately. I feel really distanced and with him leaving so soon for so long, it's hard to feel close to him. I know this is completely mushy. I've accepted the distance but some times are easier than others. I really like that I've gotten to be better friends with Caitlin. We obsess over working out and being on weight watchers (so ridiculous) and it's a lot of fun. It adds a positive spin to working and working out (though I love working out anyways).

Anyways, this thing is a total ramble-fest. I'm off to read a chapter and take an exam. And then hopefully getting to bed. Until next time!

What a difference that would make, if we were finally awake.

"What is that feeling when you're driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing?--
it's the too-huge world vaulting us, and it's good-by. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies."
-Jack Kerouac

I'm in a mood lately. I can't pinpoint it and I don't think that it is either good or bad. I'm not eating much, though not on purpose, which is probably affecting me both physically and mentally. I decided today that I will never eat fried clams or huge amounts of onion rings ever again. I'm working 40 hours a week at rec, and averaging a 9 hour shift a week at the Marriott. This weekend I worked concessions for about 5 hours at Summerfest, which was fun other than the abnormally large intake of fried food. Yesterday was nice, though, and I was able to see so many people that I hadn't seen in months. Also, Rustic Overtones. I have a lot of plans coming up that I'm really excited for. Tomorrow JT and Willie's band Sand In Fire is playing a show at The Station with a few other post-rock bands. Also, Bullmoose run and Sorbet with JT this week. Slacklining with Helen and Josh at some point, and Justin is coming to visit as well. He's leaving next week for a month-long bike adventure to Michigan from is home in Massachusetts. I'm going to Jersey for Dan's birthday with a group of people as well, and hopefully I'll be in the Cape visiting friends soon too.

I've been on a huge Kerouac fix lately. Im about 3/4 through On The Road and it makes me want to road trip so badly. I want to get off of the East Coast soon and see the world. I'm more than excited to study abroad and I think that I'm set on doing so in England. Also, I'm still leaning towards spending 2 years in the Peace Corps and then getting my Masters somewhere across the country. I've found myself becoming antsier in public situations, like Summerfest yesterday, almost to the point of becoming manic. I have such highs and lows energy-wise. I fell asleep today after going to the gym and being too sickly to eat dinner, and didn't mean to or realize it until my mom woke me up an hour later. Work+Summer Classes+Training at the gym are eating away at me. I've lost 15 lbs. I miss Vermont. I love Maine and being home and hanging out with my family and friends here. I'm thinking of subletting an apartment in Vermont next summer. Truly fending for myself and spending the summer with some of my best friends. Chelsea and I are thinking about doing a triathlon in Vermont in about a year. It's nice to have a goal to work towards that isn't academically or financially based. For a first entry this is very rambly and my mental exhaustion is proving a point.

I want to read more, write more, seek the beauty in the world around me, and take advantage of every positive thing that comes my way.