From birth to death it's just like this.

I wrote my Credo for a class of mine, Understandings of God. Our assignment was to speak about what we believed to be the most important aspect in our lives--the one that keeps us living and breathing and experiencing life altogether. It was really tough to write this essay but instead of a grade I got a "This Rocks!" on the paper... more rewarding I believe. Anyways... here it is:

As of yet I have never had a significant eating disorder, I’ve never attempted suicide, and I’ve never been sexually violated. Putting aside these intense and life-altering events I have truly suffered hard times, just as each person living on this earth has, but I feel that during my life the most frightening and nearly sickening infliction that I have suffered is apathy. When apathy is found in a character it eats away at all opportunities for living. I’ve witnessed myself and many others simply floating through life, not taking time to look around and see, hear, smell, touch, and taste the world around. Fortunately, apathy is something that can be torn away if one’s will allows. I have come to the realization that my personal, most important principal for experiencing life is to break free of this apathy and never settle with solely surviving; I want to thrive and to truly BE.

This fact brings me to my main concern: how do I live out this principle in the way that I have described? This is a question that I’ve pondered throughout my life but rarely in such a way as in the last week leading up to writing this Credo. I found myself putting off the assignment waiting for inspiration, and ironically found said inspiration in the realization that I can’t sit around and wait for the words to come. In order to live my life in the most rewarding and enriching way possible I must be consciously aware of what is going on in my head in my environment and rid myself of all aforementioned apathy and fear by challenging my intellect and will to be.

For me, the challenges that pull me out of this cave of safety lie in helping others and venturing into places that are unknown to me. This could be something as simple as volunteering with MOVE to play volleyball with inmates, or, what I aspire to do later, join the Peace Corp. These things terrify me but give me an almost out-of-body high when I’ve realized the impact that they have had on my soul and hopefully others’ as well. It inspires me to open my eyes more and not only see but also understand the wider world around me. I believe that in life you need to create your own inspiration in order to live fully, and this is my means of doing so.

Waiting for inspiration is much like waiting for the good to come without actually seeking it out and trying to make the best of every situation. I truly believe that to experience life and be truly and completely alive, one must crawl out of their comfortably sheltered caves and open their eyes and minds to what is around—to see the beauty in everything while working to also find a positive light in any negative situation.

The first time this realization hit me wasn’t a few days ago while dreading this assignment, and it hasn’t only hit me once before that either; it often arises in my mind both randomly and at very significant periods of time. It is in these moments that I am able to feel in my heart and my soul that I am on this earth and living. It is also in these moments that I finally realize that I do, in fact, let myself go and become completely blank and ignore my senses. To me this recognition is both extremely depressing and deliciously enlightening: an opportunity for change is at hand.

One particularly hard moment of my life that reflects this feeling was directly following the death of an ex-boyfriend and good friend. Sitting at his funeral surrounded by friends I realized the same thing that most do after the death of a loved one—life is unpredictable and you really never know when your last day will come or what your last opportunity will be. This friend, Freddy, was enjoying himself at the local river and was killed by a drunk driver on his way home at 4 o’clock in the afternoon. It was impossible to grasp and left me feeling as though I was not invincible. This feeling changed me—we as humans are not invincible and living apathetically leads us to forget that we exist and are able to truly grab at everything around us anytime we wish.

In my life these moments of potentially negative realizations lead to ones of heightened ecstasy. These moments are simple and come by surprise but the effect is lasting. Driving in a car with two friends, windows down, wind blowing in our faces, singing an old 90’s song after a day at the beach was the happiest moment of my summer. This was not a moment that had to be sought, but one that caught me by pleasant surprise and made me realize the same thing as after Freddy’s funeral. This connection showed me that again, no matter what happens, we have to cherish this time we have been given and do what makes us happy in any moment that we are able.

As we spoke about in class, the Buddha believed that we as a human race were sleepwalking and to be alive we must wake up. I suppose that this is the point that I am trying to live out in my existence—the experience of being awake and not sleeping. In another class of mine I am reading the novel The Awakening by Kate Chopin. Towards the end of the book, the main character Edna states that “The years that are gone seem like dreams—if one might go on sleeping and dreaming but to wake up and find—oh! Well! Perhaps it is better to wake up after all, even to suffer, rather than to remain a dupe to illusions all one’s life.” I believe that it is vital to wake up from a life of sleepwalking (and dreaming for that matter) and to be genuinely reborn into the world of consciousness (while making dreams a reality).

This personal ideal, as I mentioned, is not one that comes from religion or from a particular time of drastic change in my life. I do not consider myself to be a religious person but when it comes to spirituality I believe that self-reflection and meditation are important aspects that enable me to find balance in my life. I feel as though I’m still searching for what I truly believe in terms of religion and haven’t been utterly successful in the endeavor. Either way, I know that I find solitude in living and breathing in a world full of opportunity surrounded by passion and people to share my life with. I hope that my future will bring me more challenges to overcome and goals to reach for and that I can continually strive towards living fully in the moment while planning for the future in the most sane and beneficial way possible.

All in all, I’ve realized throughout my years by reflecting, thinking, and writing, that living a life free of apathy is my personal goal and the experience that I seek to live out for my entire being. My primary principle is to exist with my entire being and not simply glide through life by ignore what is right in front of my eyes. Each day is a new day, one of learning and one of making mistakes and I look forward to everything that comes with it; the challenges and the moments of perfection make life the beautiful thing that it is.