Does this make me crazy?

I'm having some sort of academic breakthrough/mind block. Having 4 months of summer to reflect over what I'm doing with my life/college career is fatal but useful. I've gone from declaring an English major along with Elementary Education, to Secondary Education with English... Now I'm thinking of dropping Education and English completely and going for Anthropology/Sociology with a minor in Peace and Justice. The idea is insanely attractive. Switching now wouldn't be too bad just because I haven't really started taking classes for my major yet. I just want to figure it out and get classes squared away etc. etc. If I don't do that, I may stick with English and then pick up the Peace and Justice Minor as well. So so so so so many ideas.

Let your troubles roll by

I spent a wonderful weekend in Mass. with Justin and his family. It included a lot of swimming, eating, playing ping pong, and napping. We took a long exploration walk through a wildlife refuge area and saw a painted turtle and huge black snake. I hung out with his little brother, Joey, and listened to him bang around on his new drum set between ping pong games. I had a hard time leaving. I don't like being away from Justin and noticed the empty space next to me as soon as I hit 495 on the rainy 2-hour drive.

I just comprised a bucket list. I'm sure it doesn't include all of my life goals. It's a start.

-Spend at least 2 years in the Peace Corp.
-Become a College English Professor at a small, private college.
-Visit Tibet and learn more about Buddhism while there.
-Read all of Keroac's Road Novels.
-Live and teach abroad (in more places than one).
-Finally learn to play the harmonica.
-See Explosions in the Sky live.
-Own an Australian Shepard or a little Cat.
-Visit both Olympia and San Francisco (I've never seen the West Coast).
-Complete a Triathlon.
-Write and have my own series of Short Stories published.
-Make sure that everyone close to me knows how much I truly appreciate and care about them.

I saw Wall E today with rec. I sat for the entire hour and 40 something minutes with my favorite 7-year-old Kobe snuggled up on my lap. These kids become my life. They feel like family to me by week 4 and by week 8 I can't imagine a year without them. This year is much different than last but I still cherish my time with these kids, wondering if they'll remember me in 10 years. I had a dream about Nicholas, a chubby, buck-toothed 5-year-old that included a pet killer whale living in an ocean driveway, killing an emperor, and running for our lives from said emperor. I don't look at him the same anymore.

I'm visiting Justin this weekend in Massachusetts. I can't wait to have a relaxing weekend with him and his family. 39 days until I move back in at Saint Mike's. Less than a month until SMCC classes are over with. 6 more Sociology exams. 9 more online History posts. 5 more 2+ page History papers. The rain won't stop. Sea Dogs game didn't happen tonight. No Papi. No worries. If the power goes out on my research paper again I'll be out of luck. Cold Cold Cold. I want to remember my dreams more. Lose 10 more lbs. Get my hair cut shorter (maybe). Gonna call flea and get some sleep.

I hope that you can understand, this is not what I had planned.

I am completely and totally unable to focus on homework right now. I'm almost done reading On the Road. I love it. I've been listening to More Time on repeat for hours. Justin came up yesterday... We went to Salmon Falls with Helen and Josh and then had a big BBQ. We got ice cream and then came home and watched Cloverfield. I fell asleep. Justin and I listened to Red Foxes screaming in the woods and then went to bed. Had a big lovely breakfast with my family and sat around watching The Deadliest Catch until lunchtime. I had a really hard time with him leaving today and got all emotional. Now I'm doing massive amounts of homework so I have less to do later on in the week. Wednesday night I'm skipping my staff meeting to go to the Seadog's Game with my family (and possibly Caitlin.... D. Ortiz will be playing). I have a 10-15 page research paper due Friday about the affects of socioeconomic standing on maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Or something like that. I fit into an old pair of jeans that I didn't fit into last week. I want sunny weather again. I'm skeptical about a few things. 6 more months is a long time to maintain a long distance relationship and I'm starting to realize how long 6 months truly is (but I'm not giving up). I have a lot going on in my head and sometimes it scares me. I realized today that I leave for school in a month and 10 days. I can't believe how fast this awful summer is going by. I can't wait to be with everyone at school again. I was e-mailed by the head of the Honors Program today and was welcomed into the program. It is really exciting to me that I now have something to motivate me to do well academically. Hello September.

Speechless

"Look around and choose your own ground
For long you live and high you fly
And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry
And all you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be."
-Pink Floyd

Push the urge away to feel like yesterday.

It is now 1:30AM. I'm too emotional for my own good and I'm going to work on changing that because it doesn't bring anything positive for anyone around me. I'm mad at people for things that I should only be mad at myself for. It seems like I've lost one of my best friends over the course of the last few weeks. I've realized that what she's doing is almost exactly what I did to Jon last summer before I left for college. I saw myself having all of these new opportunities ahead of me and opted to leave certain constants behind. The constants ended up being people that meant a lot to me and I ignored my feelings and closed myself off from them and it is completely hypocritical of me to be mad at anyone for doing the same thing that I did. I was a jerk and my motives were completely unfair and skewed and if I could change how I was/am I would. I'm not saying that things didn't eventually work out, things always have a way of working themselves out (and I shouldn't be upset because I know this is true and I'll pull through whatever hardships are present at the moment) but I regret the way that I treated people, especially now that I realize how it feels... I got what was coming to me.

To Do:
-Take more pictures
-Work on mellowing out my emotional side
-View situations from the perspectives of everyone involved
-Stop apologizing for my feelings (they're my damn feelings)
-Use the words 'I' and 'me' half as often as I do

Glass bones and paper skin.

"When things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too."

-Dr. Seuss

I'm going to do with this journal what I've done with every journal I've kept in the past: I'm going to over-write in it at first and then leave it mostly blank later on. I'm not worried about it.

Online classes are insanely stressful. Just when I think I have an easy week (after a week that included four 2-4 page essays, three online posts, a chapter exam, and multiple reading assignments) I realize that I missed a significant assignment that was due yesterday, and have another significant one due Friday. It never ends. And this is on top of working 40+ hours a week and never having time to relax and be calm. Camp has become my lounge time, which isn't a positive thing because I'm supposed to be energized enough to plan activities and be active with the campers I work there for. This summer just isn't shaping up to be a great one at all.

After working 8 hours and spending 2 at the gym, I'm home to do a 2 page paper, a 100-word online post, and a chapter exam. Instead I'm complaining and rambling in a blogger journal. Whine Whine Whine.

I've been really down lately. Emotionally and physically. I feel like there is nothing to look forward to in the NEAR future, and the only time I'll be able to finally relax is once school starts up. There are obviously things I'm excited for, but it's hard to be excited when I also think of the negatives that come along (taking time off from work, stressing about getting all of my homework done, etc.).

I really miss Justin lately. I feel really distanced and with him leaving so soon for so long, it's hard to feel close to him. I know this is completely mushy. I've accepted the distance but some times are easier than others. I really like that I've gotten to be better friends with Caitlin. We obsess over working out and being on weight watchers (so ridiculous) and it's a lot of fun. It adds a positive spin to working and working out (though I love working out anyways).

Anyways, this thing is a total ramble-fest. I'm off to read a chapter and take an exam. And then hopefully getting to bed. Until next time!

What a difference that would make, if we were finally awake.

"What is that feeling when you're driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing?--
it's the too-huge world vaulting us, and it's good-by. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies."
-Jack Kerouac

I'm in a mood lately. I can't pinpoint it and I don't think that it is either good or bad. I'm not eating much, though not on purpose, which is probably affecting me both physically and mentally. I decided today that I will never eat fried clams or huge amounts of onion rings ever again. I'm working 40 hours a week at rec, and averaging a 9 hour shift a week at the Marriott. This weekend I worked concessions for about 5 hours at Summerfest, which was fun other than the abnormally large intake of fried food. Yesterday was nice, though, and I was able to see so many people that I hadn't seen in months. Also, Rustic Overtones. I have a lot of plans coming up that I'm really excited for. Tomorrow JT and Willie's band Sand In Fire is playing a show at The Station with a few other post-rock bands. Also, Bullmoose run and Sorbet with JT this week. Slacklining with Helen and Josh at some point, and Justin is coming to visit as well. He's leaving next week for a month-long bike adventure to Michigan from is home in Massachusetts. I'm going to Jersey for Dan's birthday with a group of people as well, and hopefully I'll be in the Cape visiting friends soon too.

I've been on a huge Kerouac fix lately. Im about 3/4 through On The Road and it makes me want to road trip so badly. I want to get off of the East Coast soon and see the world. I'm more than excited to study abroad and I think that I'm set on doing so in England. Also, I'm still leaning towards spending 2 years in the Peace Corps and then getting my Masters somewhere across the country. I've found myself becoming antsier in public situations, like Summerfest yesterday, almost to the point of becoming manic. I have such highs and lows energy-wise. I fell asleep today after going to the gym and being too sickly to eat dinner, and didn't mean to or realize it until my mom woke me up an hour later. Work+Summer Classes+Training at the gym are eating away at me. I've lost 15 lbs. I miss Vermont. I love Maine and being home and hanging out with my family and friends here. I'm thinking of subletting an apartment in Vermont next summer. Truly fending for myself and spending the summer with some of my best friends. Chelsea and I are thinking about doing a triathlon in Vermont in about a year. It's nice to have a goal to work towards that isn't academically or financially based. For a first entry this is very rambly and my mental exhaustion is proving a point.

I want to read more, write more, seek the beauty in the world around me, and take advantage of every positive thing that comes my way.