From birth to death it's just like this.

I wrote my Credo for a class of mine, Understandings of God. Our assignment was to speak about what we believed to be the most important aspect in our lives--the one that keeps us living and breathing and experiencing life altogether. It was really tough to write this essay but instead of a grade I got a "This Rocks!" on the paper... more rewarding I believe. Anyways... here it is:

As of yet I have never had a significant eating disorder, I’ve never attempted suicide, and I’ve never been sexually violated. Putting aside these intense and life-altering events I have truly suffered hard times, just as each person living on this earth has, but I feel that during my life the most frightening and nearly sickening infliction that I have suffered is apathy. When apathy is found in a character it eats away at all opportunities for living. I’ve witnessed myself and many others simply floating through life, not taking time to look around and see, hear, smell, touch, and taste the world around. Fortunately, apathy is something that can be torn away if one’s will allows. I have come to the realization that my personal, most important principal for experiencing life is to break free of this apathy and never settle with solely surviving; I want to thrive and to truly BE.

This fact brings me to my main concern: how do I live out this principle in the way that I have described? This is a question that I’ve pondered throughout my life but rarely in such a way as in the last week leading up to writing this Credo. I found myself putting off the assignment waiting for inspiration, and ironically found said inspiration in the realization that I can’t sit around and wait for the words to come. In order to live my life in the most rewarding and enriching way possible I must be consciously aware of what is going on in my head in my environment and rid myself of all aforementioned apathy and fear by challenging my intellect and will to be.

For me, the challenges that pull me out of this cave of safety lie in helping others and venturing into places that are unknown to me. This could be something as simple as volunteering with MOVE to play volleyball with inmates, or, what I aspire to do later, join the Peace Corp. These things terrify me but give me an almost out-of-body high when I’ve realized the impact that they have had on my soul and hopefully others’ as well. It inspires me to open my eyes more and not only see but also understand the wider world around me. I believe that in life you need to create your own inspiration in order to live fully, and this is my means of doing so.

Waiting for inspiration is much like waiting for the good to come without actually seeking it out and trying to make the best of every situation. I truly believe that to experience life and be truly and completely alive, one must crawl out of their comfortably sheltered caves and open their eyes and minds to what is around—to see the beauty in everything while working to also find a positive light in any negative situation.

The first time this realization hit me wasn’t a few days ago while dreading this assignment, and it hasn’t only hit me once before that either; it often arises in my mind both randomly and at very significant periods of time. It is in these moments that I am able to feel in my heart and my soul that I am on this earth and living. It is also in these moments that I finally realize that I do, in fact, let myself go and become completely blank and ignore my senses. To me this recognition is both extremely depressing and deliciously enlightening: an opportunity for change is at hand.

One particularly hard moment of my life that reflects this feeling was directly following the death of an ex-boyfriend and good friend. Sitting at his funeral surrounded by friends I realized the same thing that most do after the death of a loved one—life is unpredictable and you really never know when your last day will come or what your last opportunity will be. This friend, Freddy, was enjoying himself at the local river and was killed by a drunk driver on his way home at 4 o’clock in the afternoon. It was impossible to grasp and left me feeling as though I was not invincible. This feeling changed me—we as humans are not invincible and living apathetically leads us to forget that we exist and are able to truly grab at everything around us anytime we wish.

In my life these moments of potentially negative realizations lead to ones of heightened ecstasy. These moments are simple and come by surprise but the effect is lasting. Driving in a car with two friends, windows down, wind blowing in our faces, singing an old 90’s song after a day at the beach was the happiest moment of my summer. This was not a moment that had to be sought, but one that caught me by pleasant surprise and made me realize the same thing as after Freddy’s funeral. This connection showed me that again, no matter what happens, we have to cherish this time we have been given and do what makes us happy in any moment that we are able.

As we spoke about in class, the Buddha believed that we as a human race were sleepwalking and to be alive we must wake up. I suppose that this is the point that I am trying to live out in my existence—the experience of being awake and not sleeping. In another class of mine I am reading the novel The Awakening by Kate Chopin. Towards the end of the book, the main character Edna states that “The years that are gone seem like dreams—if one might go on sleeping and dreaming but to wake up and find—oh! Well! Perhaps it is better to wake up after all, even to suffer, rather than to remain a dupe to illusions all one’s life.” I believe that it is vital to wake up from a life of sleepwalking (and dreaming for that matter) and to be genuinely reborn into the world of consciousness (while making dreams a reality).

This personal ideal, as I mentioned, is not one that comes from religion or from a particular time of drastic change in my life. I do not consider myself to be a religious person but when it comes to spirituality I believe that self-reflection and meditation are important aspects that enable me to find balance in my life. I feel as though I’m still searching for what I truly believe in terms of religion and haven’t been utterly successful in the endeavor. Either way, I know that I find solitude in living and breathing in a world full of opportunity surrounded by passion and people to share my life with. I hope that my future will bring me more challenges to overcome and goals to reach for and that I can continually strive towards living fully in the moment while planning for the future in the most sane and beneficial way possible.

All in all, I’ve realized throughout my years by reflecting, thinking, and writing, that living a life free of apathy is my personal goal and the experience that I seek to live out for my entire being. My primary principle is to exist with my entire being and not simply glide through life by ignore what is right in front of my eyes. Each day is a new day, one of learning and one of making mistakes and I look forward to everything that comes with it; the challenges and the moments of perfection make life the beautiful thing that it is.

Justin and I have been together for 9 months. It's been wonderful and unpredictable and wild and comfortable and I'm so lucky to have someone like him in my life. It's strange how quickly times goes by. I couldn't ask for anything better.

I am so in love.

I've recently set a goal for myself to do one new thing every week... (by recently I mean that as I began writing this post I decided) With that being said, this week's new endeavor happened to be Bikram Yoga. This form of yoga is much different than any yoga I'd done previously and essentially entailed intense stretching done in a 100 degree room. First off, Robyn and I parked in the back of this little brick building that could not have been found without directions. The studio itself was in a colorful concrete room with only 3 small windows that were never opened. The woman at the front desk was also the woman running the class and took it upon herself to know everyone's names prior to beginning. Upon entering the room, I found myself sandwiched between two older men resembling skeletons in nothing but small speedo-esque shorts--nothing but the near-nudity was particularly irregular for any typical yoga class. This room, again, was set to 100 degrees and the moment I stepped inside I began to sweat profusely. The class itself was great... it got really tough at times as yoga often does but was not too bad at all. After leaving, Robyn and I were drenched but felt great. I was sore almost immediately after leaving the studio, but felt 10lbs lighter and happy as could be. Even this morning I feel better than and I definitely want to do Bikram Yoga again. I'm not sure what my new thing for next week will be but whatever it is I have faith that It'll be just as as good as this week's.

On another note, I haven't felt as inclined to write as much lately. I wouldn't say that my schoolwork is getting the better of me, but it is definitely taking over a huge chunk of time that was previously free for the taking. With that being said, I'm really enjoying my classes still, though my Tuesdays and Thursdays are beginning to drag on endlessly. I'm really content with settling into my English major, as these classes are my favorites and most interesting in my week. I'm pretty set on dropping Education as well, though I don't know what I'd pick up for a minor to take its place. I realize that I don't have to pick up a minor, but I would definitely really like to.

I need to keep in touch with friends and family more than I have been this semester. I haven't contacted any aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. as of yet and I'm kind of disappointed in myself. I haven't spoken to my parents very much, either, and I've yet to talk to Peter since getting to school. I'll change that! I can't wait to go home for a weekend and just see everyone and catch up a little.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a stranger in my own skin. Like the actions and thoughts that I produce aren't truly mine, but belong to something that has taken over my entire being. It's kind of depressing and I sometimes struggle to regain control, only to find that it will be taken away again soon enough. I find that I'm most comfortable in my own skin when I'm surrounded by people to talk to and laugh with and when I'm with Justin just snuggling and being completely surrounded by him and while I'm engulfed in a book or while driving alone for a long period of time listening to music at unnatural volumes. When I say this I'm not completely unhappy by any means, I just feel alienated from myself and what I do and see and think.

I also feel like I've got a cloud wrapped around my brain at times. Like I can't concentrate or think about anything but the simplest of ideas. I'm not sure if I should blame this on being burnt out or what, but I wish that it could be avoided. I want more than anything to feel as though I'm doing something of significant meaning in my life but I've yet to feel that way as of late.

My life is no utter failure but something needs to happen soon. I did have an opportunity to see, meet, and play 4-square with Rustic Overtones over the weekend. I'm really not in a bad mood.

Be Here Now

I guess it is time for an update! I've had a week of classes up to this point and I'm so far enjoying every class that I'm in.

Intro to Literary Studies (honors) - I have a professor named Christina Root. She used to head the English department here and she is the sweetest woman alive. We're reading Midsummer Night's Dream and there are only 7 of us in the class (there were 4 at the beginning). We had our first class at the cafe on an outdoor table.

Genres: Fiction- My professor, Carey Kaplan, is a crazy feminist lesbian and is absolutely hilarious. She gives vocab words once a week and this week included hypermammiferous (having large breasts) and ithyphallic (having an erection). We're reading The Awakening and everyone in the class is really interesting.

Philosophy of Society (honors)- I have this class at 10am on Tuesdays and Thursdays: my earliest class. I have it with 2 of my best friends and the class is set up around one big seminar table. Our professor has a thick accent, a mix between French and Russian, and is really passionate about philosophy. We're reading Plato's Republic and she makes it much easier to understand. Everyone is really passionate and it is fun to have discussions class-wide.

Child Development- My one and only education class. I'm actually switching from elementary ed. to secondary next semester so this class isn't technically one I need to take. No worries though, it is really interesting and our professor is great. Her name is Laima Ruoff and she knows her shit.

Understandings of God- I don't know what to say about this class. It runs in true Vermont fashion... My professor came in 5 minutes late wearing jeans on Tuesday and wrote "How do I live?" on the board. We're doing units on Buddhism and Hinduism later on. My first assignment is to write a 3 page paper on what I feel I'm living my life for. This guy worked under Mother Teresa and the Dali Lama. Insanity. I leave feeling like I need to analyze my life. It is actually pretty cool.

Living with Julia has been great too. We bunked our beds and arranged our room and I love love love it. Justin is visiting this weekend too. It's been really emotional and wonderful and I can't wait until he's back for good. I have a lot more to say but my brain is fogged over. Today is the first day is has truly rained here since I moved down. I'm so happy to be back.