Sometimes I feel like I'm a stranger in my own skin. Like the actions and thoughts that I produce aren't truly mine, but belong to something that has taken over my entire being. It's kind of depressing and I sometimes struggle to regain control, only to find that it will be taken away again soon enough. I find that I'm most comfortable in my own skin when I'm surrounded by people to talk to and laugh with and when I'm with Justin just snuggling and being completely surrounded by him and while I'm engulfed in a book or while driving alone for a long period of time listening to music at unnatural volumes. When I say this I'm not completely unhappy by any means, I just feel alienated from myself and what I do and see and think.

I also feel like I've got a cloud wrapped around my brain at times. Like I can't concentrate or think about anything but the simplest of ideas. I'm not sure if I should blame this on being burnt out or what, but I wish that it could be avoided. I want more than anything to feel as though I'm doing something of significant meaning in my life but I've yet to feel that way as of late.

My life is no utter failure but something needs to happen soon. I did have an opportunity to see, meet, and play 4-square with Rustic Overtones over the weekend. I'm really not in a bad mood.

Be Here Now

I guess it is time for an update! I've had a week of classes up to this point and I'm so far enjoying every class that I'm in.

Intro to Literary Studies (honors) - I have a professor named Christina Root. She used to head the English department here and she is the sweetest woman alive. We're reading Midsummer Night's Dream and there are only 7 of us in the class (there were 4 at the beginning). We had our first class at the cafe on an outdoor table.

Genres: Fiction- My professor, Carey Kaplan, is a crazy feminist lesbian and is absolutely hilarious. She gives vocab words once a week and this week included hypermammiferous (having large breasts) and ithyphallic (having an erection). We're reading The Awakening and everyone in the class is really interesting.

Philosophy of Society (honors)- I have this class at 10am on Tuesdays and Thursdays: my earliest class. I have it with 2 of my best friends and the class is set up around one big seminar table. Our professor has a thick accent, a mix between French and Russian, and is really passionate about philosophy. We're reading Plato's Republic and she makes it much easier to understand. Everyone is really passionate and it is fun to have discussions class-wide.

Child Development- My one and only education class. I'm actually switching from elementary ed. to secondary next semester so this class isn't technically one I need to take. No worries though, it is really interesting and our professor is great. Her name is Laima Ruoff and she knows her shit.

Understandings of God- I don't know what to say about this class. It runs in true Vermont fashion... My professor came in 5 minutes late wearing jeans on Tuesday and wrote "How do I live?" on the board. We're doing units on Buddhism and Hinduism later on. My first assignment is to write a 3 page paper on what I feel I'm living my life for. This guy worked under Mother Teresa and the Dali Lama. Insanity. I leave feeling like I need to analyze my life. It is actually pretty cool.

Living with Julia has been great too. We bunked our beds and arranged our room and I love love love it. Justin is visiting this weekend too. It's been really emotional and wonderful and I can't wait until he's back for good. I have a lot more to say but my brain is fogged over. Today is the first day is has truly rained here since I moved down. I'm so happy to be back.

It is amazing being back on campus! I moved in with Julia and we rearranged our room and unpacked everything by 6ish. It is now 10:52 and we're in our jammies hanging out. I love love love love it here. My room is mad small but I can't complain at all. I am just ecstatic and can't wait for more festivities tomorrow! Also, my 19 books that I needed to buy for classes were $400. So ridiculous!

What do you go home to?

I don't really know how to rate this summer in comparison to past ones. I worked 40-50 hours a week, while taking summer classes, while working out 5 times a week. It was a wildly busy few months but I suppose it was fun nonetheless. I lost nearly 20 lbs and was able to see friends (though not as many/often as I had hoped). I feel that I opened up a lot more to certain people and will go back to school with this more outgoing and outspoken personality that I seem to have acquired. I move in Friday morning (the day after tomorrow!) and really can't wait. I've finished all of my packing 2 days early, which is slightly ridiculous, but I'm so eager to just leave. I've already planned quite a few things for the upcoming semester with friends, which is nice too. I'm getting a Pfit membership in Vermont because Ryan will be working there and I'll continue my workouts with him. There is a big welcome back BBQ and Party that Dan planned that I'm looking forward to as well. I'm most excited to get into my room with Julia and arrange it and plan it and such, though. This year should really be a quality one... I'm looking forward to so much.

I finally decided to settle with this Schedule for Fall:

MWF:
11:45-12:50- Intro to Literary Studies
1:00-1:5o- Genres: Fiction

TTH:
10:00-11:15- (Honors) Philosophy of Society
1:00-2:15- Child Development
2:30-3:45- Understandings of God

I have one more essay to do before I'm done with summer classes.
9 more days of Summer Rec.
17 more days until I'm moving in on campus.
I'm so antsy and itching to be back that it is driving me nuts.
:)

With tired eyes, tired minds, tired souls, we slept.

I'm strangely content. I have no idea what to do with my life and I'm no longer letting myself stress about it. I had a great weekend with Brian visiting and finally spending time with Helen, Yelena, and Tom... It had been too long. I saw Pink Floyd's The Wall for the first time. Justin is on his way back from Minnesota. 19 days until I am back at school. I need to make lists and pack and prepare. I'm growing. I'm happy.

I get so restless.

August 14- Last deadline for summer classes
August 22- Last day of Summer Rec
August 29- (hopefully) Moving in on campus
September 12- OAR concert
September 15- Needtobreathe concert
September 29- Less Than Jake concert
October 22- Donovan Frankenreiter concert
October 23- Justin's Birthday

Emotional highs and lows.
Lost in Portsmouth.
Distance.
Vermont.

Keeping English and Education. May pick up an Anthropology/Sociology minor though. Who knows.